I’ve done it a few times, and I’m sure that many others have done it too. I get invited to something by a friend and check my calendar, find that I’m free and tell them I’ll come along. I even put it in my calendar so I won’t forget. When the day rocks up, I’m feeling particularly anti-social or I’ve had a really bad day and I just can’t face the world. So I make up some excuse as to why I can’t go and said friend is probably a little miffed but accepts my reasons.
Society tells me that I can’t just pike on something because I no longer feel like doing it. Yet society also teaches me that I should only do the things I want to do and not be forced into doing something by someone else, whether that is physical force or just guilt. So I come up with a plausible excuse which means I’m not piking, even though I am, and everyone accepts this as being ok. My friend might be a little shitty for a few days but generally all will be fine.
Mental health is something that isn’t taken as seriously as it should be by the community. People think that because it isn’t some sort of physical injury you can just get on with life. I find it difficult to go to work some days because I’m in such a funk or in such a bad mental place, and I currently work from home so getting there isn’t such a trauma. When it comes to social events, there is so much pressure to attend and be sociable and make small talk with people. When I am in in a funk, there is no way I want to face any of that. Yet time and time again I have done so just to keep up appearances.
I would like to change this from today. I spoke to Natalie about it over breakfast and she agrees. If I have something in my calendar to do and I’m not in the mental frame of mind to do, I will let the person know the truth. “Sorry, but I don’t feel up to attending tonight.” No excuses, no lies. Just the honest truth.
Sometimes you just don't feel like it (Photo: Idhren)
There will be some events that it will never be ok to just cancel on. I wouldn’t cancel on a wedding or birthday party or another important event in someone’s life unless I just couldn’t leave the house. I might cut short my attendance, but I would go and wish my friend all the best and be part of that special event. If we are talking about going to the movies or to see a band or perhaps go out for dinner, it isn’t something that is never going to happen again. I think it should be fine to be upfront with your friend and tell them what is going on.
If I can’t talk to my friends about my mental state and how I’m feeling, who am I going to tell? If my friends don’t understand how my mental health issues affect me and can’t make allowances for that, perhaps we aren’t the most compatible friends. I am sure my friends have felt the same at times and begrudgingly attended something I had organised because they felt they had to. If they could have been honest, perhaps we could have rescheduled. At least I would have understood.
It has to go both ways. I have to be accepting that my friends won’t always want to do things we had planned. That is ok, because I know sometimes I feel the same way. Communication is important in all friendships and being honest with one another can mean you both know what is going on and can both be comfortable however you are feeling.
I just want to add that I don’t think it is ok to accept events and always cancel. I don’t think it is right to cancel because I think I got a better offer from someone else. If I commit to something then I should do it, saving that my health, including my mental health, may mean I can’t make it. If I can’t go to one event because I don’t feel up to it, I can’t go to another event. It is like when I’m off sick from work, I don’t like going to other things.
A little bit of consideration can make a lot of difference to someone suffering from mental health. I believe that honesty is the best policy and when I am not feeling up to doing something, I will now be honest with the person and explain what is going on.
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I've experienced that same feeling many times. After a lot of years of making lame excuses and basically telling fibs to get out of social events, I now find it easier to be up front with people. Most of my friends get it, and as you eluded to in your post, perhaps the ones that don't aren't always much of a loss.
That is how I run my life now nick. For a year and a half I would force myself to go out when I was screaming inside not to go. I've freed myself from that and only go when I feel I A) want to go, and B) feel ready to go. (I did spend about two months without leaving the house after I decided that), but now its all on my terms. And its like taking a weight off your shoulders. You need to stay true to yourself, and step outside of expectations. Serve yourself well, and be true to how you are feeling. True friends worth keeping will understand that.
You and Natalie are awesome
Big hugs to you both!
xoxoStephania