I’ve never been big on making friends. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just really inept at it. When I’m in a social situation it is quite normal for me to sit quietly in a corner somewhere as everything else revolves around me. Occasionally I will pluck up the courage to talk, but quite often I will peer into my phone and pretend I’m doing something important. This implies that I’m not available and you don’t have to worry about me. Yet I’d love you to worry about me.
This situation mostly happens when I’m around people I don’t know very well, or if there are a couple of big personalities and I can’t find my voice in the group. I assume I seem disinterested or bored. People often ask me if I’m OK, and I am. I’m just not sure what to say or what I can add to the conversation. I often feel like they are talking about things I don’t understand or I’ve never felt apart of. Life general everyday things.
I’m much better with smaller groups of people. If I am left with another person I don’t know I will attempt small talk. If it is a group of three, often I can just sit back and nod in the appropriate places. I’m very much introverted and this has become more pronounced over the last few years.
Yet part of me yearns to be sociable. Part of me wants to hang with people who get me and take me as I am. I want to do things like go to karaoke, or go out for dinner or drinks or trivia, or just sit around a campfire/bonfire/hot coals and talk about life with a few drinks. Part of me wants to feel comfortable around people and not feel like I should censor what I say in case I offend someone. Not because I’m generally offensive; I just figure something I like or do will be considered incorrect or not be liked by others. Maybe that is why I hide away and don’t speak.
When I do speak up my mind, I sometimes scare away people. I grew up with a few close friends and since moving to Brisbane have had a few other close friends. Even today I feel like I don’t have many people that are my friends. They are often people I have met through Natalie, and even though I consider them my friends, it’s different, you know?
People have suggested I do hobbies or find groups to join but I’m either too scared to do so or can’t find the types of things to do. It would require a bit step out of my comfort zone and the times I have tried I have only felt pain when it backfires.
Even these days my close mates have drifted away. There are greater differences between us and we all have our own lives going on. But then I think about my father and his inability to make friendships and wonder if it’s like father like son?
I should probably come to terms with the fact that I will never be part of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t even know if I want to be. I guess I want to be part of a group of people that I can hang out with once or twice a month and have fun times with.But lets not dwell on that.
I guess for now I just have to accept that I’m me and this is how I am. I can’t force it. I just have to accept me and go from there…
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Nicholas, that really was a post that was like looking at a mirror on my own life and from experience I can not give you any easy answers on how or what you should do.
I can though give you one suggestion that an additional ten years of life (40) has taught me and that is that you just need to be happy with yourself. Even on Twitter I sit back and don't really interact as I, and I suspect you, don't really want to expose your real self in case nobody likes you. I realise this is zero help but I'm still looking for the same light at what appears to be a long and dark tunnel.
At 40, i've only just realised all this and Im somewhat at a loss on how to correct it. While I've leaned towards trying to be more social lately, ultimately I think I'll probably move towards a love me or leave me philosophy as in the end its my life I need to live and no one else's. But I feel and share your pain more than you can imagine.
I can say this unquestionably though, I've seen your tweets for a year or so and interacted with you at times and you have nothing to prove to anyone as your digital self is more of a person I would want to know than many of the real world people I do know. Look after yourself.
I have nothing really helpful to add except to say that I find it sad that it always seems to be the sensitive, thoughtful people in life who suffer in this way with agonies of self-doubt and second-guessing themselves in social situations. The world needs its introverts but is sadly designed for and by extroverts who have made themselves the "norm".Please do not be afraid to be yourself–I do not know you but I receive a very positive vibe from your online self as the poster above says and I am sure you have much to offer the unhasty and non-superficial.