The thought process of an emotional man

I’ve been feeling rather strange over the last few days. My digestive system hasn’t been at its happiest, which tends to have an effect on how I feel emotionally. The weather is a bit cool even for me, and sometimes that can have an effect on me. I suffer from depression which I have to remember that even though I’m medicated, it fluctuates from day to day and week to week.

It’s not like when something happens to you and you can feel the effect it is having on you. It’s not like I’ve consciously been worried or concerned about moving. I guess it’s more of a slow burning thing that sits in the pit of your stomach and you have to process it to realise what it going on. For me, the process I use to work out these things is writing.

I normally write in private and keep the thought process to myself but I thought that if I am going to have a blog that is about me and is true to my identity, I should try and attempt to post the outcome for the world to see. I suppose it might help others who feel the way I do to know that this is how I deal with things and it is an option they can try. Of course I still have the option to decide not to post anything if I decide not to. I can’t really lose.

So here I am, sitting in front of the laptop. I close my eyes and I try to let the feelings that I have wash over me and I try to decipher what they mean to me and what the source is.

I think that some of this feeling is about moving. I’ve lived here in Coorparoo for such a long time now and Brisbane even longer. I love the city and the places that I’ve lived and I feel like this place is home. I know all the local haunts, and have made wonderful friendships. My doctor is just down the road and she is such a wonderful person, let alone medical professional.

There is so much of me invested in this place and in the things that make up this space. It’s not the items themselves but the emotions attached to them. I’m currently sitting in the room where I proposed to Natalie, and where she said that she would be my one and only. I’m in the room where we shared our first night together as a couple living together. This house is where our relationship got really serious, not that it wasn’t serious before.

Living with someone is a whole new ball game. You learn so much about a person when you are around them each day and each night. You learn new things off each other and come to form some new world views. My foray into fat activism began in this house. My life has changed in so many ways in this house and there are so many memories wrapped up in it.

Some of it might be to do with the fact that I’m returning home. We are moving back in with my mother. Sometimes I wonder if this means I’ve failed to be as independent as I’ve strived to be. Will the new living arrangements work out? How will it affect my relationship with my mother and with my wife? There are so many questions and I have to wait for them to be answered.

I really started my march towards independence in this city. I came into my own and I suppose I became a man. All of my recent life history involves being in Brisbane and soon I’m off to another city. It’s a city I know well, but it’s been over ten years since I last lived there, and by George it has changed.

Life is bringing me to a new chapter and it is a little bit scary. I don’t exactly know how the next six to twelve months are going to go, but I suppose that is the same no matter where I am living. Life can throw me a curve ball whether I am here, or there or anywhere for that matter.

I guess when it comes down to it. The reasons for moving are sound. It will help us save some money so that we can start to plan the next phase of our future. Mum is sick at the moment so it will be nice to be there with her and help out if she needs it. I think it will be nice to get a different perspective on some of the things that I have been struggling with by moving to a new place and looking at them through slightly different glasses.

And so that ends my process. It’s a bit of a ramble but it’s what I do when I feel a bit unsure of what I’m feeling. I’ve never been particularly good at working out my emotions and I have to sometimes force the process so that I can understand what is going on. At least these days I identify that there is something there and know what I need to do to work through it.