I’ve been feeling rather strange over the last few days. My digestive system hasn’t been at its happiest, which tends to have an effect on how I feel emotionally. The weather is a bit cool even for me, and sometimes that can have an effect on me. I suffer from depression which I have to remember that even though I’m medicated, it fluctuates from day to day and week to week.
It’s not like when something happens to you and you can feel the effect it is having on you. It’s not like I’ve consciously been worried or concerned about moving. I guess it’s more of a slow burning thing that sits in the pit of your stomach and you have to process it to realise what it going on. For me, the process I use to work out these things is writing.
I normally write in private and keep the thought process to myself but I thought that if I am going to have a blog that is about me and is true to my identity, I should try and attempt to post the outcome for the world to see. I suppose it might help others who feel the way I do to know that this is how I deal with things and it is an option they can try. Of course I still have the option to decide not to post anything if I decide not to. I can’t really lose.
So here I am, sitting in front of the laptop. I close my eyes and I try to let the feelings that I have wash over me and I try to decipher what they mean to me and what the source is.
I think that some of this feeling is about moving. I’ve lived here in Coorparoo for such a long time now and Brisbane even longer. I love the city and the places that I’ve lived and I feel like this place is home. I know all the local haunts, and have made wonderful friendships. My doctor is just down the road and she is such a wonderful person, let alone medical professional.
There is so much of me invested in this place and in the things that make up this space. It’s not the items themselves but the emotions attached to them. I’m currently sitting in the room where I proposed to Natalie, and where she said that she would be my one and only. I’m in the room where we shared our first night together as a couple living together. This house is where our relationship got really serious, not that it wasn’t serious before.
Living with someone is a whole new ball game. You learn so much about a person when you are around them each day and each night. You learn new things off each other and come to form some new world views. My foray into fat activism began in this house. My life has changed in so many ways in this house and there are so many memories wrapped up in it.
Some of it might be to do with the fact that I’m returning home. We are moving back in with my mother. Sometimes I wonder if this means I’ve failed to be as independent as I’ve strived to be. Will the new living arrangements work out? How will it affect my relationship with my mother and with my wife? There are so many questions and I have to wait for them to be answered.
I really started my march towards independence in this city. I came into my own and I suppose I became a man. All of my recent life history involves being in Brisbane and soon I’m off to another city. It’s a city I know well, but it’s been over ten years since I last lived there, and by George it has changed.
Life is bringing me to a new chapter and it is a little bit scary. I don’t exactly know how the next six to twelve months are going to go, but I suppose that is the same no matter where I am living. Life can throw me a curve ball whether I am here, or there or anywhere for that matter.
I guess when it comes down to it. The reasons for moving are sound. It will help us save some money so that we can start to plan the next phase of our future. Mum is sick at the moment so it will be nice to be there with her and help out if she needs it. I think it will be nice to get a different perspective on some of the things that I have been struggling with by moving to a new place and looking at them through slightly different glasses.
And so that ends my process. It’s a bit of a ramble but it’s what I do when I feel a bit unsure of what I’m feeling. I’ve never been particularly good at working out my emotions and I have to sometimes force the process so that I can understand what is going on. At least these days I identify that there is something there and know what I need to do to work through it.
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Mental Illness – it can’t go on being hidden
A blog is a personal space but it can be very hard to allow the deepest parts of yourself to be on show. I talk a lot about fat acceptance issues on this blog because it is something that is important to me and that affects me daily. There are other things that affect me daily that I never talk about on this blog, since they feel too raw to share with the world in general. One of those issues will be getting an airing today.
I suffer from depression and social anxiety and I have done so for many years. My social anxiety leads me to be an introvert until I get to know people better, at which point I come out of my shell. Workmates who have known me for years presume that I’m an extrovert, but that is only because of the report and the sense of comfort that I have built with them. I do force myself out there for work or when I really have no choice, but on the whole I’m happy just by myself.
Depression is a different beast entirely. It can sweep over me at any time and there is no amount of force that is going to push it away again until it is ready to leave. The best analogy I have heard is that depression is like the weather. Often it is sunny, but when the rain sets in no amount of wishing or hoping will make it go away until it is ready to leave. You learn to work with the depressive periods of your life and work through them the best you can.
My depression has been getting the best of me lately. I’m feeling sluggish and lethargic, I’m breaking out into tears without warning and I feel like I’m not achieving nearly as much as I could be or should be. It has a major impact on my work life and my personal life. Yet people don’t seem to take it seriously. People seem to think you can just work through it or just push it to one side and forget about it.
Depression (and other mental illnesses) are with people always. It doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ they look or are acting or how good they seem to be going, it will always be in the back of their mind. It isn’t like a broken arm or leg, which heals over time and can be forgotten about. It is something that I work on all of the time and I know I’ll have to do so for the rest of my life.
Employers need to be mindful of this when they place pressure on their employees. Friends and family members need to be mindful that they can’t always help and that the best they can do is be there and support their loved one. I myself don’t expect any special treatment. I do expect to be respected regardless and that people understand where I am coming from and where I have come from.
I realise that this is a very difficult issue to talk about. Even writing this blog post has been very difficult for me. It is important that within the community we discuss these issues more and more. I figure if I can give a glimmer of what it is like to deal with my mental illness it might help someone else who is going through a rough time. Sometimes all you need is someone to go “Yup, I get you. I’ve been there” and it can make all the difference.