Category Archives: Commentary

Sometimes I have an opinion on something right out of left field. In fact, I have a lot of opinions right out of left field. I have to express them and you’ll find them all here.

Unborn Again: How do you fill your “God-shaped hole”?

January 2, 2012

You can understand the peace and comfort that comes from being religious. The idea that at the end of the life on this planet that you can then go on and live an eternal life of peace and happiness is so inviting. I was a born-again Christian for many years from around the age of 8 or 9, and not because my parents were religious or church people. I attended church because I wanted to, and I thought that what they said sounded good and true.

Maybe it was the idea that someone was looking out for me. There was a person/energy/spirit that was with me to give me guidance and to keep me safe. Every night I would pray, and if I ever forgot I wouldn’t fall asleep as easily. I could make amends anything I had done wrong, ask for protection and care for friends and family, and it felt good.

Death has always scared me and it does even today. The fact that when I died I would go to heaven and live an everlasting life was a great comfort to me. It took a bit of the worry away from the concept of being dead.

From around the age of 16, I drifted away from the church. It was because I started working Sundays and I couldn’t make it to church every week. I was still a Christian, but I just didn’t go to church. I did some Work for the Dole when I was 22 at a Christian organisation, and I realised that I still had an interest in Christianity. I ended up not going to their church because I got a job in Brisbane instead but I knew that it was still inside me. It had just been dormant.

After a while I guess I didn’t really care as much any more. I was probably agnostic more than anything. There were still this core belief system about a god, a heaven and spirituality, but it didn’t really come into my life very much. I then met Natalie.

Natalie challenged the very core of my belief system with the concept that there is no god. That there is nothing out there and this is it. I went through so much torment and agony and working through the concepts and the information almost broke me mentally. Even if I didn’t care much about God and Christianity, it was still a core part of my system of living. It was still a crux that I could rely on.

I eventually accepted that the concept that there is a god is illogical and that the only thing that made sense was Atheism. I consider myself “unborn again”, but I certainly respect the rights of those who want to believe their own set of religious beliefs. It isn’t my place to convert people; I only really discuss it if someone asks.

Today I’ve come to realise that I miss it. I miss the idea of there being a god out there to protect me and care for me. I miss the idea that at the end of this life there will be something more waiting for me. I miss the concept that there is someone or something who cares for us and looks after us. I miss having a god to look upon and believe in and a religious structure that provided friendship and support.

I’ve never really filled that hole in my life with anything else. I have to face the fact that when I die, I’m dead and there ain’t much more to life than that. I don’t have the comforting concept that there is something else helping me and guiding me. I have to face the big, dark world on my own and sometimes it just sucks.

So what is the point of this ramble? I’m not sure. Maybe it’s that I wish religion could be true, but I know it isn’t. The make believe that is the Christian religion would be wonderful if it was true. But it isn’t. None of that is. And yet I feel a need for something. Some sort of spirituality or something. It’s hard to explain.

I’m not looking to be converted. What I’m interested to know, I guess, is how do atheists fill that “god-shaped hole” as (I think) Richard Dawkins put it quite nicely?

Posted in: Commentary,Religion
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On bodies and such

December 23, 2011

I originally posted this on Tumblr. But I thought it might be a bit tl;dr for over there.

I am a cis-gendered hetro man. I have been known to see a lady in passing and notice that they have fantastic eyes, or great hair, or a nice body. I’ve been known to think to myself “mmm, nice x”. X could be hair, eyes, butt, smile, boobs, or something else.

I like to think of myself as a “progressive man of the world”, whatever that means. I would like to think that I’m a feminist, at least in training. And yet I’m still out there noticing women and going “mmm, nice x”.

When I catch myself, I feel a little guilty on the inside. On the other side of the coin, I figure that it is natural to notice people around you and to find some features of a person attractive. I think it would be totally awful to wolf whistle or cat call or whatever anyone, or to stare at someone and make them uncomfortable. Basically I wouldn’t want to be a creep.

So that leaves me with the thought that perhaps even seeing someone and thinking that they look nice could be considered creepy. Where’s the line? The obvious line to me is at least taking any action that makes someone uncomfortable. But is there a line that is even earlier than that – is thinking that someone is attractive, or a feature of their body is nice, crossing the line?

Just the stuff that goes through my head from time to time, that’s all.

Posted in: Commentary,Quickie
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BMI is crap. Let it go already.

September 5, 2011

Trigger Warning: Discussion of eating disorders and a mention of Alex Perry.

Fashion is not my thing. I’m no where near being a fashionista. However something caught my eye in the paper today.

There is an article today on the Courier-Mail Online about how Alex Perry is being a douche bag again. Since most of us know this already, I’m going to skip over it and talk about the last part of the article.

Certainly, the criticism of Moone’s body size stands in contrast to the decision by Melbourne Spring Fashion Week organisers to only use models with a healthy BMI on this year’s runways.

Models will be vetted by casting agents to ensure they are not too thin before they are signed up.

You might be surprised to find that I have an issue with this.

As a fat activist, I have been on record time and time again talking about how the BMI is not a good guide of health. The BMI does nothing to tell you the health (or ill health) of a person. It tells you the ratio of weight to height squared, and that’s about it. It is as if humans were designed to have the same height to weight ratio, but I don’t see how this can be so. I therefore have a issue with BMI being used to decide whether a model is ‘healthy’ enough to be on the catwalk.

I’m not a model so I don’t know what it is like to be in the fashion industry. From what I read, there is a lot of pressure to be a certain size and shape to make it. I have all kinds of issues with that. I read about models who are starving themselves to fit the mould of what the industry thinks is acceptable and it is really disgusting that people think they need to go as far as having eating disorders to maintain this ‘ideal size’. Yet excluding models because they don’t fit the BMI classification of ‘healthy’ is a bit rich as well.

I read a few months ago the story of Cody Young, a Queenslander who is making it big in international modelling. One of her shoots recently was for TOPSHOP and a British tabloid published claims that she was “danger to anorexics”. Cody came out swinging and talked about what it was like growing up being a young, tall and slim woman.

Throughout my entire childhood I was called anorexic and people would ask if I was bulimic. And it was really hard sometimes for me to deal with as I have always been this way .

The article doesn’t talk about her BMI but it would be interesting to see if she is considered ‘healthy’ by the BMI scale. Would she end up excluded even if in her own words “naturally skinny”?

I don’t want people to judge me based on my BMI. I don’t think anyone should be judged based on their BMI. This focus on a number meaning anything is just crazy crap. What we should do is somehow take the pressure of models to be this mythical perfect size. Perhaps then their beauty would shine through without them feeling they need to starve themselves or worse.

Posted in: Commentary

Census 2011 – Let’s use religion to scare the Christmas carols off you

August 9, 2011

I’ve seen this on Facebook a few times and it really gets my goat.

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
DO NOT LEAVE THE “RELIGION” SECTION BLANK. BE SURE TO AT LEAST TICK CHRISTIAN (OR YOUR OWN FAITH).
1,000,000 MUSLIMS WILL TICK THEIR BOX.
10,000,000 AUSTRALIANS WILL LEAVE IT BLANK THEN WONDER WHY CHRISTMAS CAROLS ARE BEING BANNED IN SCHOOLS!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT RELIGION, IT’S ABOUT KEEPING OUR WAY OF LIFE .

I wonder what would happen if the following was sent out:

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
DO NOT LEAVE THE “RELIGION” SECTION BLANK. BE SURE TO AT LEAST TICK MUSLIM (OR YOUR OWN FAITH).
1,000,000 CHRISTIANS WILL TICK THEIR BOX.
10,000,000 AUSTRALIANS WILL LEAVE IT BLANK THEN WONDER WHY RAMADAN IS BEING BANNED IN SCHOOLS!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS.
IT’S NOT ABOUT RELIGION, IT’S ABOUT KEEPING OUR WAY OF LIFE .

I can imagine the uproar.

What I would prefer to see is this:

AUSTRALIA WILL BE HOLDING A CENSUS IN AUGUST
IT WOULD BE GOOD IF YOU COULD FILL IN THE RELIGION SECTION AS THIS WILL GIVE THE GOVERNMENT A TRUE PICTURE OF RELIGION WITHIN AUSTRALIA. TICK NO RELIGION IF YOU ARE NOT RELIGIOUS
BUT SINCE WE LIVE IN A FREE COUNTRY, IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO FILL THAT SECTION IN THEN THAT’S OK TOO.

I’m glad to see that there is still room for the use of religion to scare people into doing what you want. Which is what this is all about. *sigh*

Posted in: Commentary,Quickie
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Freedom and challenges – working from home

July 19, 2011

March last year saw a big change in my life. I went from being a public servant to working in the private sector. I went from being a leader of a team of around 13 people to working from home by myself, with my boss working from his home and their boss working as part of a larger team in another state. I went from having structure to having freedom. It’s been great and it’s had its challenges.

I always had a dream of working from home. I never thought that it would be realised, or at least thought that I would have to work for myself to make it happened. So when the chance to switch from public sector finance to working in IT (my dream) and do it from home, I didn’t hesitate. Well, I did have to think long and hard because I was making such a big change, but the pros far outweighed any cons.

So quite some time on, I have had some great times and some challenging times with this new setup. I thought I might talk about them since I know there are others who may be considering the change of working from home. It is something to really think carefully about, as it isn’t as easy as I thought it would be.

Firstly, there isn’t the same sort of structure that going to work day in, day out forced me to have. There is no commute to the office to put a definite break between work and home. I have to somehow switch my brain onto work mode in order to focus on the tasks for the day. It is very easy to be sitting at the computer and think “I know, I’ll go put a load of washing on.”

Now in my view there is nothing inherently wrong with that. As long as I manage my time well and you don’t try and bill for my load of washing, it can be a great benefit. It can become a problem though if I then think “oh, I could do a little bit of washing up” or I see some rubbish on the floor and tidy the lounge room up. Soon that five minute break is up to two hours and you’ve got yourself a long night of work ahead to catch up.

Another thing I struggle with is that it can be easy to be distracted by non-work things. If the computer you use for work is also the computer you use for other things, this means you can wander off and be doing something and feeling productive, only to find you you’ve just wasted 45 minutes on a Facebook debate or something else without even realising it. Worst still is that you can be constantly available to your colleagues if you leave your instant messaging client open or outlook open. And it can be temping to finish off a little bit of work if you have left it open by accident. Now have two logins on my computer – one for my work stuff and the other for my personal stuff. There are plans for me to get a work computer in the future and I can use a KVM switch to change between the two. That will be even better.

The two login thing works on two levels. Firstly, the moment I login to my work account, I’m at work. It is a little reminder to myself that now is the time for working. At the end of the day it is awesome to logout of that account and back into my normal account and feel like I’ve left all my work behind. Secondly, having two accounts means that I have two different sets of skype and IM contacts, and so people know if I’m at work or not and how available I am. It really helps with that.

Something I’ve had to force myself to do sometimes is to remember to have breaks. I’ve also had to force myself sometimes to return from that break. But on the other hand, it can be good when work is getting the better of you to just walk out for an hour and watch some TV or go to the shops and grab a coffee, knowing that you can come back later and work on it. You aren’t restricted to the work hours that an office locks you into. If you are awake at 12am and want to get some work done, it’s great. It means I can have some time off at some other point and still be on my way to my targets for the week. If I have an appointment during the day,  I can go do that and still get work done later, or get up earlier and get it done.

I still struggle with structuring my work day though I think I have improved. What I would love to know is how you go about being productive, even if you aren’t working from home? What things do you do to know that you are still on track with your work? How do you lock out distractions? Are you lucky enough to work from home and want to share your story? Please, get in touch because I’d love to hear from you.

Ultimately I love working from home. It is allowing me to move from Brisbane to the Gold Coast and not have to worry about a daily commute. It allows me flexibility and autonomy. It has challenges and responsibilities that go with it, but I think they are well worth it at the end of the day. Could you do it? Have you, or do you, work from home? Let me know below.

 

Posted in: Commentary,Technology
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Law and Order: SVU taught me something last night…

July 15, 2011

Trigger warning: talk of rape and violence against women

I watched an episode of Law and Order: SVU last night that dealt with some really tough issues. Actually I was working and went out to the lounge for a smoke break and ended up watching the last 15 minutes because I couldn’t look away.

The story was of a young lady who was raped by a knife wielding bandit. The story went that a lady had come across the scene and fought off the attacker and then slipped away into the world to hide. She was an illegal immigrant who had come to the US from the Democratic Republic of Congo.

As the story went on, she went on to talk about how rape is used as a weapon of war. The character was raped by soldiers and watched her five year old daughter be raped as well. She watched her daughter take six days to die from her injuries and was cast out by her husband because of the shame she now brought onto him.

She then went to a refugee camp, and was eventually beaten, raped repeatedly and forced into marriage by one of the sides in the conflict. She finally escaped to America as an illegal immigrant.

During the rest of the show she testified to the grand jury, and in one scene talked about what happened to her and how she could identify the act of rape so readily. She was then locked up by immigration, released thanks to the help of the Assistant District Attorney and then testified to see the attacker locked up. She was so overjoyed that she was responsible for seeing a rapist locked up.

At the end of the show she was offered residency but decided to go back to the Congo and take the fight up against the rape and attacks on women. The Assistant District Attorney ended up taking leave to work at the UN to look into victims of gender-based war crimes.

I realise that it is just a TV show, yet I know that there is some basis for the story. The character’s story might not be that of one person, but the stories of many people melded together. The fact that rape is used as a weapon of war is not disputed and I’m sure there are stories far worse than that presented in this fictional TV show that do not get heard about.

What shocked me is that when the leading female characters were talking through the awful things that had happened to this woman, it was mentioned that rape and gender-based war crimes were not an acceptable reason to apply for asylum. This seems disgraceful. A quick Google search seems to tell me that this situation is still not clear and that it can often be a case by case thing.

I’m really thankful that this was presented in such a format. I mean, I was aware that rape is an issue when civil war and unrest occurs. But to have this graphic account of the horror that this character had gone through placed in front of me just made me angry and upset. I was angry because I knew that this story, although fiction was believable and that many women are out there who are being tortured and wounded through gender-based war crimes. It made me upset that it was a fictional program that brought it into the lounge rooms of millions of people.

I would have expected to have heard more about this sort of thing in the news, or in documentaries. Perhaps I don’t watch the right things. It just seems abhorrent that there are people out there being denied help and asylum because the system doesn’t recognise these crimes as being worthy of it.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t have the ability to go there and stop these things. I can talk about them. I can be one voice in the crowd. The crowd which can grow stronger and louder only if we talk about these things.

Posted in: Commentary
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Human Software Testing

July 14, 2011

The last few weeks of my life have been full of tests. Not medical or life changing ones. Software tests. If you aren’t aware by now, I’m a computer programmer by trade. Well I’m called a “Business Analyst/Developer” by my company, but that really just means I look at problems and solve them with code.

I’ve been working on a major project for quite a while now and we are at the point of running through testing scripts to see if there are any major issues with it. I’ve come to love and hate testing since I entered the full time world of software development. On the one hand, there is great satisfaction in running through all the tests to find that there are no errors and that something I created does exactly what it is meant to do. On the other hand, there are the times where I just feel like there is no end to the issues I am finding.

In a perfect world, every piece of software would run without fail from the moment it was written. There would never be any bugs or errors and the client would be happy with what I’ve produced. This perfect world doesn’t exist and quite often I will find things that I just wasn’t looking for when I was writing the code. Often it isn’t that the software doesn’t work right when I give it all the correct information but that the software takes incorrect information and doesn’t handle it gracefully, or even worse outputs some results which seem right but don’t make any sense.

I’ve come to appreciate just how much effort is required to test and review something and how hard it is to test something that I’ve made myself. I know what it should be doing and I know how things should be done. Often it is when people do things that I don’t expect that the big issues come up.

It’s a bit like life really. Sometimes it’s not until someone else comes along and points something out to me that I realise the error in my ways. It works perfectly for me from my point of view, but with the benefit of an outsider I can see things that need to be tweaked or thought through differently.

I know that in the last five years or so my viewpoint on the world and even myself has changed a great deal. This is because Natalie has been challenging me to open up my view of the world and to take a look at things a little differently. It’s like she is testing my internal software and saying “Hey, have you considered this?”

I know at first I struggled with it a lot. Sometimes I felt like she was breaking my brain. There were times that I just had to go off and process through the information she had given me and take time to absorb it.

It’s a bit like a programmer who has worked on a project for so long to be told of errors and they haven’t seen, and they just don’t want to see them. They get a bit cranky and upset and perhaps throw a tantrum. But if they are a decent programmer they eventually have to come back and analyse the information.

Sometimes the programmer will decide that there is no reason to change the software and that the result is as expected, or that the cost to change the program might be too much of a challenge. Sometimes though the programmer knows that they just have to suck it up and get in there and make the fixes that are needed. And it is the same with my internal software.

Sometimes it is just too hard to make the changes and I just let it go. It might be for a short time until it comes up again and I see it in a different light, or I have more time to deal with it. It might be something that gets mulled over for six months or more until I come up with a solution that fits the problem and fits me. But often I just realise that change is a must and get on with it.

It is amazing the things I have learnt about myself from what I do for a living. I’ve come to love my developer job, even though there have been challenges making the transition. And the things I learn about myself are just the icing on the cake.

Posted in: Commentary,Technology
Tags:,,

Wherein a man talks about his medical problems – wait, what!?

March 10, 2011

This subject matter is very personal. I’ve taken a bit of time to sit back and think about whether I really want to open up about this on my blog but I think it is important that I do.

As I wrote in one of my previous posts I’ve been a bit unwell recently. At the time I figured that everything that was going on was due to my mental health issues. The symptoms seemed to fit the bill and my doctor was sure that was it. Don’t get me wrong here – I still have a mental illness and the symptoms still relate to that in some way. It’s just that things changed recently.

About a month ago I felt a pain in my right breast. At first I figured this was some bruising or some such weird pain that was easily pushed aside. I only ever felt it when I was laying on my stomach so I thought perhaps it was just the way I was laying. Yet over the weeks that followed the pain got worse day by day. Now even if I bump it against something it can hurt. It’s not excruciating but certainly something to be concerned about.

So I did like most men wouldn’t do and I went to the doctor. We chatted about all the symptoms she poked and prodded and what not and she diagnosed something that I had never heard of. Gynecomastia. In basic layman terms, the tissue around my breasts was inflamed and sore, which is what can happen to boys during puberty. Apparently men on steriods have this issue as well. So off for some blood tests and an ultrasound to rule out any other causes like breast cancer. Don’t forget men of the world that you have to be just as careful about breast cancer.

Blood results are back and the reason has been identified. I have very low levels of Testosterone. Very. Low. I’m sure some men may be thinking at this point “am I really a man if I don’t have testosterone?” when they hear such a result. Personally I’m just relieved to have some idea of what is going on with my body.

If you check out this link to the Wikipedia article section it shows you what effect testosterone has on the human body regardless of gender. My bloods also showed irregular red blood cell levels and glucose levels, which could both be due to this. My recent weight gain above my regular set weight point, my lethargy, disinterest in the world in general and the exacerbation of my mental health issues could all be related to this one hormone. It makes you realise just how finely balanced the human body is and how easy it is to screw it all up.

I have to have some further blood tests next week and then if that confirms the findings I’ll be able to get some form of supplement to treat the symptoms. it is likely due to me taking my anti depressants as there is a link between drugs that affect the brain and hormone levels. I won’t be going off them because they are too important for me right now but we’ll see what the doctor has to say.

Why am I sharing this with you?

I want men of the world to realise how important it is to listen to their bodies. it is important to go to the doctor when they are feeling unwell or if something strange is going on. Normally I wouldn’t have bothered but it was only because it was in the breast area and I was concerned it might be something really bad that I went. I don’t consider gynecomastia to be that bad but I would never have found out about my testosterone levels otherwise. And I’d still be sitting here feeling like shit and not knowing why.

It is also important to remember that just because I’m fat there aren’t medical issues to that are the reason I’m  feeling sluggish, tired, disinterested or whatever else. I’d suggest that people get things checked out and get it sorted. It probably helps that we’ve found an awesome doctor recently, but make the effort to find one because it is worth it.

Men of the world: Don’t feel ashamed to talk about health issues, especially issues to do with your “manliness” or whatever. Get it checked and get it fixed and you might be feeling better in no time.

Now after all that, I could use a snooze…

Posted in: Commentary,Fat Acceptance

Quickie: Opinions, feel free to feel entitled

November 28, 2010

A bit of a quickie tonight as I sit up and wait for the after hours doctor to come visit. Yes, everything is fine.

Now that I’m living a little more enlightened, it has become clear to me that people very much hold their opinions close to their hearts. It doesn’t matter how many times you hear the quote “Opinions are like arseholes – everyone has one”, it seems that opinions carry a very big emotional value to the person to has it. I know that this is true for me, but it has taken a while to recognise this.

So when I challenge someone about their opinion or belief about something because it is sizist, or racist or bigoted, I quite often here the reply “But I’m entitled to my opinion.” So I wanted to clear something up.

My opinions make me who I am. They affect the way I live, interact with people, make purchases, vote at elections, etc etc. In fact the reason that I think opinions are held so close to the heart is that they reach into the core of a person’s being. They really do make me who I am.

Therefore, people have every right to have their opinions. They are very much entitled to hold it true if they wish. In the same way, I am entitled to view that opinion as bigoted and call them on it. And based on my opinion (which I presume I’m entitled to as well) that opinions make the person who they are, I will call them bigoted (or racist or sizist) as well.

I haven’t stop them from holding an opinion. I’ve just noticed that when I weigh it up, it’s not one I can agree with. And if it matches the accepted standard of a bigoted (or sizist or racist) opinion, then I think it is correct to call that person out on it.

Posted in: Commentary,Quickie

The idea of being sociable seems so foreign to me

November 26, 2010

I’ve never been big on making friends. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just really inept at it. When I’m in a social situation it is quite normal for me to sit quietly in a corner somewhere as everything else revolves around me. Occasionally I will pluck up the courage to talk, but quite often I will peer into my phone and pretend I’m doing something important. This implies that I’m not available and you don’t have to worry about me. Yet I’d love you to worry about me.

This situation mostly happens when I’m around people I don’t know very well, or if there are a couple of big personalities and I can’t find my voice in the group. I assume I seem disinterested or bored. People often ask me if I’m OK, and I am. I’m just not sure what to say or what I can add to the conversation. I often feel like they are talking about things I don’t understand or I’ve never felt apart of. Life general everyday things.

I’m much better with smaller groups of people. If I am left with another person I don’t know I will attempt small talk. If it is a group of three, often I can just sit back and nod in the appropriate places. I’m very much introverted and this has become more pronounced over the last few years.

Yet part of me yearns to be sociable. Part of me wants to hang with people who get me and take me as I am. I want to do things like go to karaoke, or go out for dinner or drinks or trivia, or just sit around a campfire/bonfire/hot coals and talk about life with a few drinks. Part of me wants to feel comfortable around people and not feel like I should censor what I say in case I offend someone. Not because I’m generally offensive; I just figure something I like or do will be considered incorrect or not be liked by others. Maybe that is why I hide away and don’t speak.

When I do speak up my mind, I sometimes scare away people. I grew up with a few close friends and since moving to Brisbane have had a few other close friends. Even today I feel like I don’t have many people that are my friends. They are often people I have met through Natalie, and even though I consider them my friends, it’s different, you know?

People have suggested I do hobbies or find groups to join but I’m either too scared to do so or can’t find the types of things to do. It would require a bit step out of my comfort zone and the times I have tried I have only felt pain when it backfires.

Even these days my close mates have drifted away. There are greater differences between us and we all have our own lives going on. But then I think about my father and his inability to make friendships and wonder if it’s like father like son?

I should probably come to terms with the fact that I will never be part of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t even know if I want to be. I guess I want to be part of a group of people that I can hang out with once or twice a month and have fun times with.But lets not dwell on that.

I guess for now I just have to accept that I’m me and this is how I am. I can’t force it. I just have to accept me and go from there…

Posted in: Commentary,Mental Health
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