Category Archives: Commentary

Sometimes I have an opinion on something right out of left field. In fact, I have a lot of opinions right out of left field. I have to express them and you’ll find them all here.

Friendship has so many different meanings

November 21, 2010

I was talking to Natalie the other night about friendship. Everyone has their own view on what friendship is. I’m no different and I think it is interesting to see the different forms of friendship that exist in the world. I thought I should explore this further, even if it is just for my own benefit.

What is friendship to me? I think there are different levels of friendship depending on how long I’ve known someone, how I became friends and there are different reasons why I am friends with them. That doesn’t mean the friendship is any less important but it does mean that what I might expect from them is different.

I’m not one to have a lot of friends, so when I do make new friends I come to look at them as being very important. I prefer quality friends over having many of them.

I’m not one of these people that hangs out with their friends every week or every month even for some. That doesn’t mean they are any less important to me. We all have our own lives and our own interests and that is what makes it cool. Sometimes we’ll catch up at a party or just talk over the net but if they needed a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to I’d be there in a flash.

Not hanging out isn’t because I don’t care. It is to do with the fact that I’m a home body and an introvert. I don’t socialise a lot and when I do it takes a lot of energy. Some of my friends are quite sociable which is great, because it means I can attend things and enjoy myself without having to be Mr Out There 2010. It can lead to issues though if they are feeling neglected because I don’t go to things often because staying at home is quite often the most soothing thing for my soul.

As an example, I have a group of friends that I’ve known since high school. By and large I spent my formative years as a young adult with them having awesome times and really letting my hair down. They live in another city which is about an hour away, so they aren’t too far away to visit but I don’t see them every weekend with them any more.

These guys are the guys that I know I could depend on if all hell broke loose and I didn’t know where to turn to. My pride might get in the way but I know I could rely on them no matter what. It doesn’t matter how often we chat or how long it is between catch ups, and even if you have a few weird moments here or there. At the end of the day, they are my friends, or really my “mates”, and if anything life shattering happened I’d be there for them in a second. I know they would for me too.

Some of those people I went to school with. Some I met later on and have kept in touch with. I know that it is very hard to get rid of these people from my life, and I’m very grateful for that.

Some friends I have I won’t see for a while until we are at the same event. Busy lives cause us to be like ships in the night and pass by often without realising it. Doesn’t reduce the importance of the friendship for me. Like a friend of ours that we see probably once a year or even less. It doesn’t make them any less of a friend and we’ve be there in a minute if there was a call for help.

I can understand that some people might think that friendships like that aren’t really good friendships. I guess that is because they have a different understanding of what friendship is. That becomes a problem if a friend of mine does have a different idea to me and then we have to work through it. Sometimes that doesn’t work and you lose them. That’s life.

What is interesting is that there are so many different ways in which friendships form and how many different ways people see friendship. Some people want their friends on call at all times and must see or talk to them regularly. I’ve never been like that, even with family. We all care about each other but we have our own things on and we talk when we can.

Natalie and I get on so well because we are quite similar in this. We both love our own space to do our things, but still enjoy hanging out with each other when we want to. I think it is the same with my friendships with other people.

I’m sure some of my friends and ex-friends from over the years have found this difficult. I am who I am and I don’t want to change who I am so I guess it is a balance of finding people who can work with what I can offer. I think that’s much like any relationship.

I wonder what you think. What does friendship mean to you? What do you expect from your friends? Do you need them to be in constant contact or do you prefer to just catch up occasionally, or a mixture of the two? Let me know in the comments as I’d love to see what other people think on this.

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Angry Birds Cake by Lauren Lee

November 8, 2010
A cake which has characters and scenery from the "Angry Birds" game for iPhone

Click to see the full size image

Yo shorty, it’s ma birthday. We’re gonna party like it’s ma birthday. Well it is on Friday. Tonight I went and picked up what I can only describe as a very generous pre-birthday present from good friend Lauren from Cakes by Lauren Lee. It’s an ANGRY BIRDS CAKE!

What, you don’t know what Angry Birds is? Wash your mouth out with soap and go and check out the Wikipedia article on this awesome game. She has made all of the characters out of fondant including the cute piggies in the tower. She hand crafted the tower, the characters and even made the cake look like the bottom of the screen in the game.

Another picutre of the Angry Birds Cake

Click to see the full size image

This is a very detailed cake and a sugar overload waiting to happen. Well, it already happened because I had a piece just before

and it is DELICIOUS!

I’m very appreciative of this because I was eyeing it off the other day when she was making it and wished it was for me. Well, it ended up she didn’t have a home for it so I was lucky enough to grab it. Now to find a heap of friends to help eat it because there is no way Natalie and I can do it.

Thanks Lauren, I really appreciate the cake. And guys, she can make you a cake too so you should check out her site. And I get a 0% commission and an additional $0 if you order today, or ever.

Posted in: Commentary,Quickie
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Mental Illness – it can’t go on being hidden

November 1, 2010

A blog is a personal space but it can be very hard to allow the deepest parts of yourself to be on show. I talk a lot about fat acceptance issues on this blog because it is something that is important to me and that affects me daily. There are other things that affect me daily that I never talk about on this blog, since they feel too raw to share with the world in general. One of those issues will be getting an airing today.

Mental illness is a disease that affects me, people around me and many millions of people right around the world. It is often not seen as a real illness since there is no physical manifestation of the disease; you can’t see a cast over the part of the brain that is broken and needs fixing or do an x-ray and see the exact spot that is causing the problem. It is a real issue that needs to be taken more seriously by governments, businesses and the community as a whole.

I suffer from depression and social anxiety and I have done so for many years. My social anxiety leads me to be an introvert until I get to know people better, at which point I come out of my shell. Workmates who have known me for years presume that I’m an extrovert, but that is only because of the report and the sense of comfort that I have built with them. I do force myself out there for work or when I really have no choice, but on the whole I’m happy just by myself.

Depression is a different beast entirely. It can sweep over me at any time and there is no amount of force that is going to push it away again until it is ready to leave. The best analogy I have heard is that depression is like the weather. Often it is sunny, but when the rain sets in no amount of wishing or hoping will make it go away until it is ready to leave. You learn to work with the depressive periods of your life and work through them the best you can.

My depression has been getting the best of me lately. I’m feeling sluggish and lethargic, I’m breaking out into tears without warning and I feel like I’m not achieving nearly as much as I could be or should be. It has a major impact on my work life and my personal life. Yet people don’t seem to take it seriously. People seem to think you can just work through it or just push it to one side and forget about it.

Depression (and other mental illnesses) are with people always. It doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ they look or are acting or how good they seem to be going, it will always be in the back of their mind. It isn’t like a broken arm or leg, which heals over time and can be forgotten about. It is something that I work on all of the time and I know I’ll have to do so for the rest of my life.

Employers need to be mindful of this when they place pressure on their employees. Friends and family members need to be mindful that they can’t always help and that the best they can do is be there and support their loved one. I myself don’t expect any special treatment. I do expect to be respected regardless and that people understand where I am coming from and where I have come from.

I realise that this is a very difficult issue to talk about. Even writing this blog post has been very difficult for me. It is important that within the community we discuss these issues more and more. I figure if I can give a glimmer of what it is like to deal with my mental illness it might help someone else who is going through a rough time. Sometimes all you need is someone to go “Yup, I get you. I’ve been there” and it can make all the difference.

Posted in: Commentary,Mental Health
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Birthdays – how am I to know what I want?

October 25, 2010

My birthday is coming up in a few weeks time, and Natalie never knows what to get me. She asks me to put together a list of things that I might like so that she has some idea what to look for. I understand perfectly why she doesn’t know what to get me. I have no clue what to get me.

I generally feel that I don’t deserve much and will put everyone else before me. I don’t like to ‘waste’ money on me but I’m more than happy to spend it on others. So when it comes time to think about what presents I’d like, I have no idea. I then list a few practical things (vouchers, clothes, I think last year I included office equipment) and figure that it will mean we don’t have to spend other money on that stuff later.

So with two and a bit weeks to go until my birthday I’m at that point again of trying to work out what I would like. If I could have anything in the world given to me, without any consideration of availability or price or practicality, what would I want?

Well firstly I’d love to go for a test flight in a plane and see whether I enjoy flying. As previously discussed, I’m too fat for that. So we can cross that off the list. What about go carting? I love that idea. Oh wait, I’m too fat for that.

I have no need for new computer stuff because I’ve got all I need. I could ask for World of Warcraft stuff, but really that isn’t a gift that Natalie would want to give. So what else is there? Booze? No, it isn’t really my thing for a birthday.

I now have an iPhone, so I don’t need one of those. What about a tattoo? It’s probably a little bold and I’m not even sure what I want to get done yet. Clothing is difficult to source in the right size (although I did get an awesome T-shirt last year) so I wouldn’t even bother asking for clothes. Plus it’s a bit too practical.

So right now I’m in the same position I was when I start. I’m none the wiser as to what I want for my birthday and I’m leaving Natalie in a real pickle.

If I think about it, I’d probably most love something that involved me relaxing. I relax very little and I’m a very tense and uptight person. Perhaps some time in a day spa being pampered or a massage; I’m sure that would go down well. Actually even some time in a Float Tank and just block the world out for an hour or two. Some time for me to just relax and do nothing.

I guess this all means that I have a deeper problem. I don’t know how to take time out for myself. Sure, I play games and such by myself, but I don’t know if I actually relax much. I’m pretty much on edge all of the time, alert and ready for the next thing that has to be done. Perhaps I need to learn to block the world out and just relax occasionally.

Posted in: Commentary
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[title of show] – seriously one awesome piece of musical theatre

October 8, 2010

I’m no theatre reviewer. In fact I’ve only been to the theatre two or three times in my life. I can hear the cries now of “uncultured swine” but theatre was never part of my upbringing and when you are on a budget, you can only afford to do so much.

Last night I went with a group of friends to see [title of show]. No, I didn’t forget what the name of the show is. [title of show] is the story of two friends, Jeff and Hunter, who set out to write an original musical in three weeks to enter it into the New York Music Theatre Festival. As the show puts it so well, it is “a musical about two guys writing a musical about two guys writing a musical”.

I will happily admit that the reason I attended last night’s opening is that one of my friends, Dash Kruck, is playing the role of Hunter. I didn’t know much about the show and didn’t know what to expect.

What I got was 100 minutes of pure entertainment.

From the opening number, the aptly named “Untitled Opening Number” to the more serious and deeply touching “Die, Vampire, Die”, this show will take you on a journey through the process of trying to write an original musical and take it to Broadway.

This is a unique show which I think no one should miss.

[title of show] is on at Visy Theatre in The Powerhouse in Brisbane until Saturday 16th October. Don’t miss it.

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I get where Spida is coming from, even if I think he is a douchebag

October 5, 2010

I can understand the pouring of outrage over Peter “Spida” Everitt’s comments regarding the Collingwood sex allegations. Victim blaming is NEVER OK. Rape is NEVER OK. Any sort of sexual or physical assault on a woman is NOT OK.

I get where he is coming from. That’s because I was once there too.

I have always considered myself a modern man, who respected men and women equally, without favour. I treated all people no matter what their ethnic background with respect as well. I never considered myself racist, or sexist, or bigoted.

Then I learned about privilege.

It has taken me a long, long time to understand the concept of privilege. Thin privilege, male privilege, white privilege; there are many different sets of privileges that exist in our world and on face value it is easy to see why it might be a bit confusing for the first time player. When Natalie first started talking to me about it, I would come back at her saying “but I’m not those things.” I always strive to act in a way that is respectful of all people, so how could I be privileged? Well, it isn’t about what I do. It’s about the structures within society and who has the dominant discourse or privilege in a domain.

So when it comes to men and women, men have privilege because society is set up to give them better opportunities and the way they are looked on is more favourable than for women. White people have privilege within our society because Australian society favours white people over other races. In 20 years or 50 years that might have changed, but this isn’t something that one person can control by themselves.

Treason to Whiteness is Loyalty to Humanity

So now I know I’m privileged, I have to do something about it right? Yes, and no. Yes, I need to recognise this fact and take it into account. Yes, I can voice my opinion that oppression and privledge are not right and try to have things changed to bring about a level playing field. No, I don’t need to beat myself up about it or give away everything I own to make it right.

I never asked to be in a privileged position, but I am in it so I should use it for the benefit of those who are not in my position. Maybe this can bring about changes in society that bring the privlege levels on a more even standing, but as I said earlier that will take a lot of time.

So what has this got to do with Spida Everitt? I’m guessing that he has never had to deal with his male privlege. From what he has tweeted today, he has probably thought he’s always done the right thing when it comes to respecting women. What he doesn’t seem to get that his position of privilege should be used to tell other men that rape and sexual assault is not OK, rather than suggesting that women should be making the changes to their behaviour. That is victim blaming and that is never OK.

So why do I understand where he is coming from? Because I was once there. I was abhorred at what men had done to women, but if the news report mentioned that she had gone off with a stranger I would think “Why did she do that? That was silly. She should know better.” This is because I was looking at it from a position where I didn’t know about the privilege difference that existed.

I must add that I’ve never thought it ok for a man to do anything so abhorrent. But now, I don’t think “Perhaps she should have stayed with her friends” or some other remark which just blames the victim for what has happened. Instead I hope that menfolk out there understand that we need to appreciate the privilege we have and use it to tell other men that RAPE IS NEVER OK. It is not the responsibility of women to constantly look over their shoulders fearing that some man will attack them. It is the responsiblity of ALL men to keep their dick in their pants and show some self control.

Posted in: Commentary
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Hung like a parliament

September 4, 2010

Two weeks after the election and we still don’t know who will be the next Prime Minister of Australia. We’ve had the Green’s Adam Bandt and independent Andrew Wilkie side with Labor, giving them a 74-73 lead in the race for power. However there are three independents left to make up their minds. So what happens if they split and we end up with 75-75?

I can see a few things that could happen. The first thing that happens in a new parliament is that the speaker is elected. The independents would have agreed to vote with the government on supply and confidence votes, but they could still go against them when voting for the speaker. If a speaker is elected, then the side where the speaker comes from will be down one person, as the speaker only votes in the case of a tie. If there is a tie when voting for the speaker, there is no casting vote so they would have to try another candidate. This is the point that we may find that no speaker can be elected, and therefore parliament is borked and new elections required.

Now lets say that one of the independents get voted in as speaker. This would mean that their vote is now gone, since at the first sitting their would be all 150 members. Whoever that independent member was going to side with no longer has their vote in confidence or supply matters, so the other side would be able to form government. Not very stable government though, but it would be something.

So what happens if we get past that point? Well the government of the day would have to make sure that every member of their party was there. No one could go on leave or on trips during sitting days, as that one vote will make a difference. This is basically untenable for anything other than short periods, as at the first opportunity the opposition will force a vote of no confidence. The independents might see this as political gamesmanship and side with the government to block it, even if they didn’t initially side with that party. Then again, they could raise the no confidence motion if they feel that they aren’t being given a fair shake of the sauce bottle.

Interesting times ahead I would say. I think we have to hope that there is a 77-73 final result and that the three independents all go with Labor. It’s the only way we will get some stable government. Bob Katter is looking likely to go with the Coalition though, so we could be in for a rough ride yet.

Posted in: Commentary,Politics
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Not-crying and the art of self-awareness

August 27, 2010

I am always on a journey of self-development. It’s only been in the last few years that I have become more self-aware. I am learning to listen to my body and to heed it when it tells me that I need to rest, or that I’m feeling flat. I am aware now that when I’m feeling blue that it is a state of mind and something that I can work though. Well, sometimes I am aware of this. Sometimes I fall into a heap and not-cry.

I don’t know if it is special to me, but I am a very good not-crier. Not-crying is when I am feeling so emotionally raw and on edge that I want to cry, and yet I can’t. My mind goes blank and I just stare, looking at nothing in particular in a state of despair and sadness. No tears well in my eyes, no sobbing or anything like that. Yet my brain switches to this off mode that is like nothing else I ever experience. So I figure it is something significant, and call it not-crying.

I’ve often felt weird about my brain. I was diagnosed as being hyperactive when I was a child, and I realised when I was studying Primary Education at Uni (thank goodness I didn’t stick with that!) that I probably had Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

Photo of three graffiti-style creatures on the side of a train

Oh Shiny! More completely unrelated stuff - makes sense, no? (by

What I find is that I am one who bores quickly of things when I’ve mastered them, or at least mastered them in my own brain. I also feel like my brain never switches off. Some conscious thought is going through my brain, trying to make its way out. This occurs regardless of whether I’m trying to chill out or get other things done. It’s only when I’m having a not-cry that I feel this void of thought.

So it’s no surprise then to learn that since I have these thoughts running through my brain all the time, that I often find myself falling into the trap of negative self-talk and putting myself down when I’m feeling crap. I am not perfect and yet being someone who writes about fat acceptance, I think people expect me to be. Or more correctly, I expect me to be.

I sometimes feel bad about the things I eat, even though I know I shouldn’t put a good or bad emotion on food. I sometimes berate myself for not being able to fit into my clothes, even though I know that my body will move between my natural weight range. There are days when I’d happily give up and just allow myself to be brainwashed yet again into thinking I’m defective and evil for being fat.

I’ve learned enough though to know that I can’t go back there. I was miserable there. I had no idea who I was as a person. In fact I think I was trying to pretend that I was someone I wasn’t. I was pretending to be ok with being fat, and clearly I wasn’t. I read all the books and had all the recipes on how to lose weight. I’d regularly think about joining Weight Watchers, which I think I last did in 2005 or 2006. Man I was such a sad person back then, and yet I thought I was happy.

Now I know I am happy, at least a lot of the time. The times I feel like crap I at least appreciate later on knowing that I was feeling like crap. I’ve learned so much from my crap moments that I can’t really trade them. I wouldn’t be me without them.

I think it is hard to be accepting of ourselves, whether we are fat, thin, tall, short or whatever. I reckon that if I wasn’t fat I wouldn’t be happy with other things. So to hell with going backwards, I’ll happily keep moving forward. I just need to remember to cut myself some slack occasionally.

Posted in: Commentary,Fat Acceptance
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Stand up for your rights on Polling Day

August 20, 2010

It’s one day before the Federal Election here in Australia. I’d forgotten what that means until I saw a tweet just a second ago.

Dear P&C members, If you’re not organising a sausage sizzle at your school’s polling booth on Sat you’re un-Australian. Tweet by @ben_hr

Tweet by @ben_hr

Whilst most politicians have been spending the last five weeks worrying about hitting a snag throughout the campaign, it’s Saturday when the focus is really on the snags. And the onions and tomato sauce. Don’t forget the lamingtons, other baked treats and even perhaps some jams or drinks. Polling day is a big money spinner for school Parents and Citizens (P&C) Associations across this big land of ours.

Whilst the nation is worrying about which party to vote for, a team of parents, grandparents and other helpers are preparing to make cakes, biscuits and other treats to sell at the traditional polling booth fundraiser. I’ve seen some great things over the elections that I’ve voted in, including crochet tea cosies and doilies, dolls, handmade clothes, jams, pickles, cakes, drinks and don’t forget the sanga and sauce.

I’m a big sausage man. I love a sausage on a bit of bread, some BBQ sauce and some nice fried onions to go on top. It’s cheap as, hits the spot and seems to have been a part of my voting tradition ever since my first election. So I agree that it is totally un-Australian for schools around this great land to not be organising a sausage sizzle.

Perhaps I need to organise a crack squad of BBQ aficionados to set up sausage sizzles in schools right around Australia where the P&C Association has failed in their responsibility to the voting public of Australia. I have no idea how someone can be expected to turn up to a polling booth and vote, all the while knowing that there is no sausage and bread waiting for them at the finish line.

So with just one day to go, I make this plea to all schools across Australia. Generations before us fought for this country. The very rights and freedoms that they fought for are being trampled on if your school cannot organise a sausage sizzle on polling day. Think about the hundreds of people who are going to come and vote and expect to be able to get a cheap feed. What sort of society are we creating where access to a sausage on a piece of bread is hard to get?

Posted in: Commentary,Politics
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Marriage – why do I have the right, but not gay people?

August 15, 2010

There was an equal love/gay marriage march held in Brisbane today. Sadly I didn’t make it due to other plans, but from what I understand it received an excellent turnout. I’m not going to talk about the march, since I wasn’t there. However I do want to cover the topic of gay marriage.

The Marriage Act in Australia specifies that marriage is between a man and a woman. This clarification was added to the act by the Howard Government, which isn’t surprising really. I think it was in their last term in office as well. When the Rudd Labor Government came to power, much was done to bring many rights for gay people into line with those for straight people. This includes recognising gay couples as being the same as ‘de facto’ couples and therefore receiving basically the same rights as any heterosexual couple. The right to get married was not included in this though.

Sadly this is a political ‘hot potato’ here in Australia. None of the major parties want to touch it. The Australian Greens, which have now become the third major party in Australian politics, has a policy of legalising gay marriage. Without the support of one of the major parties they have no chance though. There are many other minor parties that support gay marriage, but there are just as many who are against gay marriage. You would have seen in my blog post this week the thoughts of one the One Nation state president of Victoria on gay people, so I can’t imagine his thoughts on gay marriage are any better.

This is an assumption, but I think that for most parts there are a couple of different camps regarding gay marriage. I also think that the way they think either comes down to their previous interactions with gay people, the fact that they have been told by their religious leaders that gay marriage is against their deity’s wishes, or they just don’t understand or have never met a gay person. I think those who agree with gay marriage are either gay themselves, have regular contact/friends/family who are gay or are those who can understand the arguments put forward and see that there is nothing to be feared from gay marriage.

Four gay couples being illegally married in Brisbane - August 2009

Illegal Gay Marriages - Brisbane Rights March in August 2009 (by DJackmanson)

Fear is such a big motivator in people. When I am scared I will do whatever I can to feel safe again. Those who believe that marriage is set down by their deity as being between a man and a woman are probably scared that if this changes, other parts of what their deity say will be challenged too. Homophobic people are perhaps scared that homosexual people will gain the upper hand when they get equal rights to heterosexual people. Those who don’t understand the issue, or don’t have much to do with gay people, are perhaps scared of the unknown or the untruths they have read elsewhere. And I’m sure there is a group who are just scared of change in general.

I think that those who are for gay marriage know that it won’t change the meaning of what a marriage is. A marriage should be a bond between two people no matter what sex they identify themselves as and what sexual orientation they identify with. As a married man, I think it is heartbreaking that gay people don’t get to have the same rights that I took advantage of when I married Natalie. I also think that they understand that the best thing in the world is knowing that other people get the same rights and privileges as they do.

Why do I care? Because I am a human being. As a human being, I have empathy for others. I also have my own fight for equality when it comes to being accepted for being a fat people, although I don’t know whether a comparison between the two issues is fair to either group. I just don’t get why there is this need to discriminate against people for whatever reason, and I want to stand up against that.

A conscious vote would be nice to see, allowing all members of the House of Representatives and Senate to vote on their conscious rather than some faceless party line. Unlikely though. I think that when it becomes time to vote, this issue is going to be one of many that plays on my mind. I think I know who I am going to vote for, but I am going to make damn sure that I know what the policies of the parties that are going to get my higher preferences, particularly in the Senate race.

Posted in: Commentary,Politics
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