The other day I recorded a rant about mental health and how other people treat those who are mentally ill. I posted it on tumblr but I thought I’d post it on here as well.
I swear a little bit, so be warned.
Category Archives: Mental Health
My rant on Mental Health
November 18, 2011
The thought process of an emotional man
July 20, 2011
I’ve been feeling rather strange over the last few days. My digestive system hasn’t been at its happiest, which tends to have an effect on how I feel emotionally. The weather is a bit cool even for me, and sometimes that can have an effect on me. I suffer from depression which I have to remember that even though I’m medicated, it fluctuates from day to day and week to week.
It’s not like when something happens to you and you can feel the effect it is having on you. It’s not like I’ve consciously been worried or concerned about moving. I guess it’s more of a slow burning thing that sits in the pit of your stomach and you have to process it to realise what it going on. For me, the process I use to work out these things is writing.
I normally write in private and keep the thought process to myself but I thought that if I am going to have a blog that is about me and is true to my identity, I should try and attempt to post the outcome for the world to see. I suppose it might help others who feel the way I do to know that this is how I deal with things and it is an option they can try. Of course I still have the option to decide not to post anything if I decide not to. I can’t really lose.
So here I am, sitting in front of the laptop. I close my eyes and I try to let the feelings that I have wash over me and I try to decipher what they mean to me and what the source is.
I think that some of this feeling is about moving. I’ve lived here in Coorparoo for such a long time now and Brisbane even longer. I love the city and the places that I’ve lived and I feel like this place is home. I know all the local haunts, and have made wonderful friendships. My doctor is just down the road and she is such a wonderful person, let alone medical professional.
There is so much of me invested in this place and in the things that make up this space. It’s not the items themselves but the emotions attached to them. I’m currently sitting in the room where I proposed to Natalie, and where she said that she would be my one and only. I’m in the room where we shared our first night together as a couple living together. This house is where our relationship got really serious, not that it wasn’t serious before.
Living with someone is a whole new ball game. You learn so much about a person when you are around them each day and each night. You learn new things off each other and come to form some new world views. My foray into fat activism began in this house. My life has changed in so many ways in this house and there are so many memories wrapped up in it.
Some of it might be to do with the fact that I’m returning home. We are moving back in with my mother. Sometimes I wonder if this means I’ve failed to be as independent as I’ve strived to be. Will the new living arrangements work out? How will it affect my relationship with my mother and with my wife? There are so many questions and I have to wait for them to be answered.
I really started my march towards independence in this city. I came into my own and I suppose I became a man. All of my recent life history involves being in Brisbane and soon I’m off to another city. It’s a city I know well, but it’s been over ten years since I last lived there, and by George it has changed.
Life is bringing me to a new chapter and it is a little bit scary. I don’t exactly know how the next six to twelve months are going to go, but I suppose that is the same no matter where I am living. Life can throw me a curve ball whether I am here, or there or anywhere for that matter.
I guess when it comes down to it. The reasons for moving are sound. It will help us save some money so that we can start to plan the next phase of our future. Mum is sick at the moment so it will be nice to be there with her and help out if she needs it. I think it will be nice to get a different perspective on some of the things that I have been struggling with by moving to a new place and looking at them through slightly different glasses.
And so that ends my process. It’s a bit of a ramble but it’s what I do when I feel a bit unsure of what I’m feeling. I’ve never been particularly good at working out my emotions and I have to sometimes force the process so that I can understand what is going on. At least these days I identify that there is something there and know what I need to do to work through it.
I’ve been sick recently
February 20, 2011
I’ve been ill recently. In fact, I’ve been quite ill for quite a long time but over the last two or three months it has gotten a little worse and a little harder to deal with. It leaves me feeling tired and lethargic and makes it a struggle sometimes to do daily tasks.
The symptoms come and go. Some days are really bad and I can do nothing else but function on a basic level. Most days are OK; not great, but good enough that I can do what I need to do and sometimes a little bit more.
Treatments are actually pretty hit and miss unfortunately. I had things under control for quite a while but recently they aren’t working as well. I’ve had to adjust the dosages of a medication for another issue and it has interacted with my main medication. So I’ll have to get the doctor to look into it for me and hopefully we’ll be back on track. But what they have found is that what works for one patient doesn’t work for another so it could be trial and error for a while.
Work has been difficult for me over the last few months. Thankfully I work from home a lot so I can work when I am well enough to and take time when I’m not. I know that my boss and other people I work with wish I could be more productive and work more hours than I do, but I do my best. I’m not sure they understand, but it can be hard to when you haven’t had to deal directly with an illness.
Like with my wife Natalie, who has Type 1 diabetes. I see what she goes through in order to live her life as normally as possible but there is no way that I could understand what it is like to have to live every day knowing that you have to keep control of your insulin levels in order to survive. In the same way, others who haven’t had what I’ve got must struggle to understand what it is like to be in my position. I do the best to tell them but I don’t think they understand. I don’t think they can.
Me dressed up to go out for coffee or something. I don't look very sick, do I?
I’m hopeful that with the right treatment my symptoms will become manageable and that I’ll start to feel better again. I can never be cured and I accept that, but I hope that I can live as close to a normal life as possible. It takes time and it isn’t easy but it is something that I want to do.
There are downsides to the treatments that I need to continue on. Some of them are too personal to discuss for even me, but others include lethargy (which is funny because that’s one of the symptoms to treat), changes in appetite, weight gain, sleeping issues and headaches. But I will deal with all that just so that I can start to feel a bit healthier again and be able to go on with life in a much better place.
I try not to make excuses for myself. I suck it up and get on with things as best I can. Sometimes, I do fail to get everything done or done on time. It is something I really hate because I am big on following through with commitments. I just do the best I can and feel bad most of the time for what I don’t do. This doesn’t help me feel any better.
One day I’ll be well enough to do all the things I used to do. For now, I just make the best of the situation and hopefully I’ll feel better soon.
So what is this illness? It isn’t cancer or diabetes or heart disease. It isn’t blood pressure or a broken bone or even something you can see.
It’s mental illness.
Depression sucks for friends
November 15, 2010
Depression sucks. I think I can say that most people know this. Recently I’ve been struggling with a massive bout of depression that I’ve been trying my best to work through. It hasn’t been easy and I haven’t always been successful, but I do the best I can. That’s all most people can do in this situation.
Depression affects everything that I do. I have depression coloured glasses, so to speak, so that everything I see is tinted differently because of my depression. My interactions with people are tainted by my depression. My inter monologue is shifted off centre by my depression.
People find it hard to deal with me when I am depressed. At least that is what I think. I could be wrong (see tinting effect above) but I think this is right. People can’t fix someone who is depressed so they feel uncomfortable because they don’t know what to do. Eventually they drift off because you are no fun.
True friends stick by you and understand what you are going through. They sometimes tell you to “snap out of it” but often just let you vent and get out what is going on in the knowledge that you are dealing with stuff that is dark and evil and unpleasant. Often they deal with their own demons so it makes it easier for them to understand
Mental Illness – it can’t go on being hidden
November 1, 2010
A blog is a personal space but it can be very hard to allow the deepest parts of yourself to be on show. I talk a lot about fat acceptance issues on this blog because it is something that is important to me and that affects me daily. There are other things that affect me daily that I never talk about on this blog, since they feel too raw to share with the world in general. One of those issues will be getting an airing today.
Mental illness is a disease that affects me, people around me and many millions of people right around the world. It is often not seen as a real illness since there is no physical manifestation of the disease; you can’t see a cast over the part of the brain that is broken and needs fixing or do an x-ray and see the exact spot that is causing the problem. It is a real issue that needs to be taken more seriously by governments, businesses and the community as a whole.
I suffer from depression and social anxiety and I have done so for many years. My social anxiety leads me to be an introvert until I get to know people better, at which point I come out of my shell. Workmates who have known me for years presume that I’m an extrovert, but that is only because of the report and the sense of comfort that I have built with them. I do force myself out there for work or when I really have no choice, but on the whole I’m happy just by myself.
Depression is a different beast entirely. It can sweep over me at any time and there is no amount of force that is going to push it away again until it is ready to leave. The best analogy I have heard is that depression is like the weather. Often it is sunny, but when the rain sets in no amount of wishing or hoping will make it go away until it is ready to leave. You learn to work with the depressive periods of your life and work through them the best you can.
My depression has been getting the best of me lately. I’m feeling sluggish and lethargic, I’m breaking out into tears without warning and I feel like I’m not achieving nearly as much as I could be or should be. It has a major impact on my work life and my personal life. Yet people don’t seem to take it seriously. People seem to think you can just work through it or just push it to one side and forget about it.
Depression (and other mental illnesses) are with people always. It doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ they look or are acting or how good they seem to be going, it will always be in the back of their mind. It isn’t like a broken arm or leg, which heals over time and can be forgotten about. It is something that I work on all of the time and I know I’ll have to do so for the rest of my life.
Employers need to be mindful of this when they place pressure on their employees. Friends and family members need to be mindful that they can’t always help and that the best they can do is be there and support their loved one. I myself don’t expect any special treatment. I do expect to be respected regardless and that people understand where I am coming from and where I have come from.
I realise that this is a very difficult issue to talk about. Even writing this blog post has been very difficult for me. It is important that within the community we discuss these issues more and more. I figure if I can give a glimmer of what it is like to deal with my mental illness it might help someone else who is going through a rough time. Sometimes all you need is someone to go “Yup, I get you. I’ve been there” and it can make all the difference.
Loading ...
The idea of being sociable seems so foreign to me
I’ve never been big on making friends. It’s not that I don’t want to, I’m just really inept at it. When I’m in a social situation it is quite normal for me to sit quietly in a corner somewhere as everything else revolves around me. Occasionally I will pluck up the courage to talk, but quite often I will peer into my phone and pretend I’m doing something important. This implies that I’m not available and you don’t have to worry about me. Yet I’d love you to worry about me.
I’m much better with smaller groups of people. If I am left with another person I don’t know I will attempt small talk. If it is a group of three, often I can just sit back and nod in the appropriate places. I’m very much introverted and this has become more pronounced over the last few years.
Yet part of me yearns to be sociable. Part of me wants to hang with people who get me and take me as I am. I want to do things like go to karaoke, or go out for dinner or drinks or trivia, or just sit around a campfire/bonfire/hot coals and talk about life with a few drinks. Part of me wants to feel comfortable around people and not feel like I should censor what I say in case I offend someone. Not because I’m generally offensive; I just figure something I like or do will be considered incorrect or not be liked by others. Maybe that is why I hide away and don’t speak.
When I do speak up my mind, I sometimes scare away people. I grew up with a few close friends and since moving to Brisbane have had a few other close friends. Even today I feel like I don’t have many people that are my friends. They are often people I have met through Natalie, and even though I consider them my friends, it’s different, you know?
People have suggested I do hobbies or find groups to join but I’m either too scared to do so or can’t find the types of things to do. It would require a bit step out of my comfort zone and the times I have tried I have only felt pain when it backfires.
Even these days my close mates have drifted away. There are greater differences between us and we all have our own lives going on. But then I think about my father and his inability to make friendships and wonder if it’s like father like son?
I should probably come to terms with the fact that I will never be part of the ‘in’ crowd. I don’t even know if I want to be. I guess I want to be part of a group of people that I can hang out with once or twice a month and have fun times with.But lets not dwell on that.
I guess for now I just have to accept that I’m me and this is how I am. I can’t force it. I just have to accept me and go from there…